Hollow Apologies & Empty Pages

Dear _________,

I started so many letters to you before I left for college. But no matter how hard I tried, nothing meant what I needed it to.

They all started the same...with a sort of apology, which is a sorry way to start any letter, typed or handwritten. I tried so hard to make it sound acceptable. All the things I was saying, all of the "I'm sorry's" and "You should probably hate me forever's" and "If you never never want to talk again I understand's" just kept making it worse and I couldn't tell you what I meant so I gave up. I left you alone and tried to ignore what a horrible person I am. (This letter is starting off kind of not at all what I had planned, but it'll get better. I promise. I've just had a lot in my heart and I need to tell you now, soon, before I make more regrets.)

And so, I tell you tonight, something that I learned when I was away at college. I thought about how I had hurt you not once, but many times in the exact same way, and how I couldn't even face you, I just let everything fade and hoped you'd understand, and I think about how your mom will never love me again because she knows what I do to you and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I know I have wronged you, and I told myself I didn't deserve you after the first time you let me back in. But you held my face and said, "That's crazy. I don't deserve you." And I wondered how you had ever forgiven me. Then I did it again, but it was a bigger mess, then I left for school and dated other guys and was disappointed to find they aren't like you. I kept telling myself that I had ruined us for the last time. And I needed to leave you alone.

This time though, you came back just to say hello, and I remembered it all like I had never broken your heart. I remembered how it felt to be held by my waist. How you laughed at my jokes. How you ran your fingers through your hair when you were talking. How I loved it when you wore your glasses. How you listened to me like all the words pouring out of my mouth and into your ears were the most important things you ever would hear. How when you held me I was safe. Secure. Something I had not known for a long time. How you admit if you could, you'd have tattoos and drink coffee first thing in the morning. How you stayed up with me until 2:30am because we just wanted to know someone was thinking about us. How you always drove holding my hand. How you looked at me. How you took me back again, and again.

Yet here we are. Pretty far away from those memories. And we've seen each other and made some new ones, some 'friend-ones' since then, and I can't help but kick myself when I catch a glimpse of your green eyes and think, "Katherine, you could've had that. Kept him safe. Loved him the way that only you can." And I'm not asking much, just for you to forgive me. Forgive me for being flighty. Forgive me for being scared. Forgive me for being confused and for confusing you. Forgive me for not being the girl you deserve. Forgive me for stealing you when you weren't mine to steal and then leaving you. I am sorrier than I can begin to describe.

Just know that you are not one of my regrets, I regret the decisions I made that hurt you, and in the end, hurt me too. Maybe someday when I figure out what I want and why I push people away, we can start again. Until then, stay the gentleman I know and love, keep playing the guitar, sing your songs, and live up to the man you want to be. I know our paths will cross again, and trust me, I'll be waiting.

Love Always,

Katherine

Feminism, or the lack thereof.

Your warmth envelops me.

Even when you left last summer,

 my hair was still damp from months before.

A humidity crept its way into every moment of my life.

I felt you in the torn edges of old letters,

saw you in the face of complete strangers.

I felt your laugh as I laid beneath the sky, appreciating the beauty, your old soul,

 taught me to see.

A biting wind traced my heart.

Your empty presence created a distance between any boy,

"I am so sorry."

These ears, these fingertips, this touch, this laugh,

every kiss,

belongs

to him.

Eventually, the wind soothed the rough edges,

a bitter hurt eroded into growth.

And suddenly, you were there.

Here.

You came back. You said you would.

And I,

I did what any respectable TaylorSwiftZooeyDeschanelEmmaWatsonFeminist would look down upon;

because as desperately as i tried,

you weren't just another picture to burn, and let's be a little bit honest here,

we will, most likely,  always, always, always, always,

get back together.

Because, to put it simply darling,

i adore you. and i don't ever want to lose you.

Your wisdom calming, your voice assuring, your touch breathtaking,  blending every day into one.

Your warmth envelops me.

Overcast

Dear Cherish,

And so it begins.


I quite enjoy all of these clouds and the Cathedral of the Madeline and photography and Walgreens and 2am and caramel colored jeans and motorcycles and bad apples and good apples and mint green Porches (yes mint green darling) and loads of lint on my black pants and pretending that it's completely normal to spend $45.00 on lunch (On lunch! for crying out loud I'm in college!) and I do these things and I have these people in my life that just

shine.



You know, like stars.

And while they're shining, I'm shining too and eating it all up.

Sometimes though I feel distant. Almost disconnected, like college really hasn't happened and I'm not really here and these people I'm so lucky to know are made up (they're just that great) but no matter how far away it seems, my heart is really just skipping. Skipping along, skipping beats, skipping out on that pain it has been feeling for so long.

I'm going to have 19 years of life under my belt come October and you know what?

I think I've done pretty okay.


Always & Forever,


Kate

Home

Dear Cherish,

(Listen to this song while you read this post.)

I came home this weekend. Home to a happy little girl who calls me "Mommy Katz." Home to a queen sized bed. Home to a loud family and good food. Home to my best friend. Home to a letter. Home to laundry Saturdays and lazy Sundays.

Here, I don't have to impress anyone. No one is waiting for my next outfit, waiting for my next profound statement, no one cares what I do with my hair, or how much make up I have on. And it feels good.

I'm rejuvenating. Beginning to be refreshed. Life can afford to wait a moment. There really is no place like home.

Always & Forever,

Kate

Pin Curl n. A usually damp, coiled strand of hair secured with a bobby pin or clip and combed into a wave or curl when dry.

Dearest Kate,

“I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles.” -Audrey Hepburn

Is there anything better than being an eighteen year old girl?

Always&Forever--

Cherish.

Illuminated

Dear Cherish,

crunch. crunch. crunch.

The sound of footsteps on gravel echoed off the hills. I stared at my feet and kept the conversation light. He walked ahead of me, chatting politely, asking questions. I answered, equally polite, grateful for the company tonight. I wondered for just a moment what I would say to that boy tomorrow, should he care to ask what I had done the night before, but a question jerked my mind to the present:

"Are you doing okay back there?"

Was I doing okay? Was I truly okay? Wasn't it sad that I had to think about if I was doing okay? Emotionally, no. I was not okay. In fact, I was a mess. A frazzled jumble of crazed emotions and loose wires, ready to fall apart at any moment. I was not okay. But I replied,

"Yup. Totally fine."

We kept going. Because that's what you do right? You just keep going. No matter what happens, no matter who hurts you, or how badly you hurt yourself, or anything, you lie, and keep going. And people will ask you how you're doing and you will lie through your teeth and smile and think to yourself, "I just want to cry." But you'll say something else. It's always something else.

But when we got to the top, the top of that mountain, and we saw the lights and we just stood and watched them sparkle and wink and whisper to each other, I began to feel different. And the wind was blowing and my calves were complaining and my toes were squished in my old running shoes, but I felt better. Bigger. More alive.

And I was tingling. Feeling fresh. And you know what? And the end of that hard day, at the top of the mountain, in the shade of regret, the moon came out from behind the clouds, and in that moment, everything was

illuminated.

Even me.

Always & Forever,

Kate

Favored Factorials.

Dearest Kate,

It was a tuesday night around nine or nine thirty, the glow of my bedroom lamp illuminated a crouched shadow against the curve of the attic walls. Your voice was tucked between my head and shoulder as I used my hands to gently pull at the edges of a foul smelling bandage I had forgotten to change on my back ankle. The bandage had grown into the cut as it had healed, forcing me to reopen the wound. Every time I would scream into the phone, you would calmly respond with an insight on a few of our most controversial topics, challenging my thoughts and opinions. The way nobody else could. Your efforts distracted my mind from the situation at hand, loosening the rippling pain.

Sometimes, when I step out of the shower, I run the pads of my fingers over the indent of the scar, and I think of you.

I think of you lazily spread out beneath the sky, like you never had a care in the world. I think of you challenging every thought I had, questioning every intention behind my actions.

I was glass to you, a walk in the park, a simple math equation, but I must have been one of your favored factorials, because you were just as intrigued as I was.

i fell in love with our friendship, and you fell in love with me. I could never love you like that, and you? you could never let go of your pride. We did let go of us though, didn't we.

Except, we didn't. At least, I didn't.

My mind questions information now. I search for truth in every opinion, every fact, rather than allowing it to slip down my throat. And sometimes, I find myself sitting beneath the shade of a tree, my legs lazily spread out beneath me as I chew on a sandwich. And you know, if a friend were to call while re-opening a wound, I think I would know exactly what to say.

I even watch action movies.

And the worst part of it is,

I kind of like them.

It's your turn now, Kate. Who has made you see the world differently, yourself differently?

Always&Forever--

Cherish.

Right

Dear Cherish,

You were right.

I do choose my friends. And when I choose them, I give them so much love and compassion and witty banter and intelligent discussions that they have no choice but to be my friend in return. Seriously though. I met this girl and I wanted to be her friend. And now we will be. It's that simple.

Also, I was so worried about gaining the obligatory "Freshman Fifteen" but my campus is so HUGE there is no way I'm gaining any weight. I have to walk everywhere. My poor feet. I've been so busy already. But good news:

-I love college.

-I got involved with the K-UTE radio station so I will be announcing the news on Tuesdays.

-It's no big deal that they call me "Kate"

-My dorm is so cute.

-I have a Mac. It only took all my savings since I started babysitting.

-I love college.

-We should Skype.

-I feel so light and happy and free knowing I can choose what I want to do.

-I'm feeling crafty.

-I love college.

Also, I miss you. Write me sometime okay? I'll send you pictures soon.

Always & Forever,

Kate

Different

Dear Cherish,

Sometimes I wish that things were different. Sometimes I wish that when I inhaled, I could smell that easy familiarity that seemed to just hang around us. He and I. Just the way we were. Cuddled up or laughing as we walked hand in hand. It's unsettling watching all these people we went to high school (remember high school?) with getting engaged. I wonder if they really know what they're doing. Of course, I have no right to doubt their love. I would never do that. But sometimes I wonder if they truly understand the weight and the consequences of their decision.

But then again, I lost the person I loved the most. And no, I don't believe he and I are truly lost, but we did lose our way. And he's not here. And I'm going to be missing him even more. I look at people. I watch these couples. I watch the adorableness of it all. I want a baby girl that I can put ribbons in her curls and know that part of her is him. But the thought terrifies me. What if somedday I have that and it's not him? And I wish it was?

Did you ever think we'd be here? Did you ever think it would come so fast? Did you ever think that you'd be moving away and wondering what the world is going to offer you? Did you ever wonder what would happen after the good-bye?

I saw your brother is home. I'm so happy for you. I bet you're just filled with bliss. I want to be blissfully filled. I want to blissfully fill others too. I hope you're having a great day.

Always & Forever,

Kate