Dear _________,
I started so many letters to you before I left for college. But no matter how hard I tried, nothing meant what I needed it to.
They all started the same...with a sort of apology, which is a sorry way to start any letter, typed or handwritten. I tried so hard to make it sound acceptable. All the things I was saying, all of the "I'm sorry's" and "You should probably hate me forever's" and "If you never never want to talk again I understand's" just kept making it worse and I couldn't tell you what I meant so I gave up. I left you alone and tried to ignore what a horrible person I am. (This letter is starting off kind of not at all what I had planned, but it'll get better. I promise. I've just had a lot in my heart and I need to tell you now, soon, before I make more regrets.)
And so, I tell you tonight, something that I learned when I was away at college. I thought about how I had hurt you not once, but many times in the exact same way, and how I couldn't even face you, I just let everything fade and hoped you'd understand, and I think about how your mom will never love me again because she knows what I do to you and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I know I have wronged you, and I told myself I didn't deserve you after the first time you let me back in. But you held my face and said, "That's crazy. I don't deserve you." And I wondered how you had ever forgiven me. Then I did it again, but it was a bigger mess, then I left for school and dated other guys and was disappointed to find they aren't like you. I kept telling myself that I had ruined us for the last time. And I needed to leave you alone.
This time though, you came back just to say hello, and I remembered it all like I had never broken your heart. I remembered how it felt to be held by my waist. How you laughed at my jokes. How you ran your fingers through your hair when you were talking. How I loved it when you wore your glasses. How you listened to me like all the words pouring out of my mouth and into your ears were the most important things you ever would hear. How when you held me I was safe. Secure. Something I had not known for a long time. How you admit if you could, you'd have tattoos and drink coffee first thing in the morning. How you stayed up with me until 2:30am because we just wanted to know someone was thinking about us. How you always drove holding my hand. How you looked at me. How you took me back again, and again.
Yet here we are. Pretty far away from those memories. And we've seen each other and made some new ones, some 'friend-ones' since then, and I can't help but kick myself when I catch a glimpse of your green eyes and think, "Katherine, you could've had that. Kept him safe. Loved him the way that only you can." And I'm not asking much, just for you to forgive me. Forgive me for being flighty. Forgive me for being scared. Forgive me for being confused and for confusing you. Forgive me for not being the girl you deserve. Forgive me for stealing you when you weren't mine to steal and then leaving you. I am sorrier than I can begin to describe.
Just know that you are not one of my regrets, I regret the decisions I made that hurt you, and in the end, hurt me too. Maybe someday when I figure out what I want and why I push people away, we can start again. Until then, stay the gentleman I know and love, keep playing the guitar, sing your songs, and live up to the man you want to be. I know our paths will cross again, and trust me, I'll be waiting.
Love Always,
Katherine
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