Different

Dear Cherish,

Sometimes I wish that things were different. Sometimes I wish that when I inhaled, I could smell that easy familiarity that seemed to just hang around us. He and I. Just the way we were. Cuddled up or laughing as we walked hand in hand. It's unsettling watching all these people we went to high school (remember high school?) with getting engaged. I wonder if they really know what they're doing. Of course, I have no right to doubt their love. I would never do that. But sometimes I wonder if they truly understand the weight and the consequences of their decision.

But then again, I lost the person I loved the most. And no, I don't believe he and I are truly lost, but we did lose our way. And he's not here. And I'm going to be missing him even more. I look at people. I watch these couples. I watch the adorableness of it all. I want a baby girl that I can put ribbons in her curls and know that part of her is him. But the thought terrifies me. What if somedday I have that and it's not him? And I wish it was?

Did you ever think we'd be here? Did you ever think it would come so fast? Did you ever think that you'd be moving away and wondering what the world is going to offer you? Did you ever wonder what would happen after the good-bye?

I saw your brother is home. I'm so happy for you. I bet you're just filled with bliss. I want to be blissfully filled. I want to blissfully fill others too. I hope you're having a great day.

Always & Forever,

Kate