The First Quarter

Dear Cherish,

I've never been good at New Years Resolutions. I'm good at writing them. Excellent in fact. But by the time March rolls around, they are lost or forgotten, buried beneath responsibilities and daily doings. This year I decided to do something different. Something I believe will help me grow and actually accomplish my goals.

I've split the year into four quarters. I'm setting goals for each quarter. Things I want to accomplish within a three month time frame. That way, I can check my progress, change any goals I need to, and then grow more. By the time I reach the third month, some of my goals will have become habits, and then I'll be able to grow even more from the next goals I set for myself. I think an entire year for a few goals was overwhelming to me, and I couldn't take seriously. Now, I have my 3 months in the future self to answer to, and that helps me stay motivated. I applaud you for your intentions for the new year. Especially running a marathon. I have always hated running. I can't. Which is why my resolutions for the first quarter look like this:

January 2013 - March 2013

1. Make Yoga a daily practice.

2. Take care of my body.

3. Pray daily.

4. Read scriptures daily.

5. Complain less.

6. Bring happiness to those whose lives I touch.

7. Do my best at everything I attempt.

8. Learn as much Italian as I can.

9. Remain optimistic.

10. Live a life worth living; no regrets.



And that's what my next 3 months look like. I'm hoping that come March I can be a much better person and have succeeded in these 10 resolutions. I'll let you know how it goes. One resolution that isn't listed, but that I will be working toward every day is letting go of the past. I've been hanging onto a past that is poisonous and painful. It's been permeating my life for far too long, hanging like a mist, haunting every relationship I could ever hope to have, but now, I feel like it's time to let go. I'm ready.

Here's to a great year, and I hope you live up to your potential too!

Always & Forever,

Kate

Red Doors.

Dearest Kate, 

On the corner of 5th East, sits is a lovely white house. Three story, maybe twenty years old, black shutters, a defiant red door. My mother has whispered painting that old white door for years and years and years, until one day, as I pulled my suitcase up the front steps, there it was. Red as a holly berry of Christmas. That's just my mother though; "It is a law of the Universe, Rachael Cherish, visualize something, anything, and it will undoubtedly come to you."
And I never did, doubt her I mean, as it isn't hard to believe someone when you grow up in their magic. She was warm sugar cookies on rainy days, a book beside the local pool, days spent in the crystal blue of the water, a piece of chocolate slipped into our waiting hands during an extra long church meeting.  The rocking chair of our porch swayed beneath my small sneakers as I watched the flowers blossom under the melodic sound of her voice, blending beautifully with the sweet scent of summer. "The flowers can hear", she taught with a knowing smile.

So when he asked what i'd like to do last night, 
"Can we visualize 2013? I think I am a little too afraid of it."
 After bundling up in blankets, warm socks, and filling our bellies with steaming macaroni and cheese, we melted into the couch and spent the rest of the evening scratching out ideas and searching for pictures to represent our individual dreams for the upcoming year.

I won't be sharing his with you, but here is what we came up with for me. 

1. On June the sixth, I will be running 26.2 miles with my older brother and dearest friend Joshua Calvin. This has always been a dream of mine, and I can't think of a better time to make it a reality. 

Early morning runs before 8:00 Chemistry. 

Green Smoothies for Breakfast. Lots of protein  and water.

2. Find an inner peace through a renewed confidence in myself. 

Take time to be alone. Let go of stress. Live in each moment.

Become a leader, of virtue and courage.  Find joy in the little things.

3. Embrace Change. Hold those I love even closer to my heart, and find a way to allow my heart to grow and make room for those I will meet. 

This may sound like somewhat of a strange goal, but it is something very personal to me that I have desperately struggled with this past semester. Subconsciously, I left for College with the idea in my head that this heart of mine was full to the brim, I felt as though if I were to let someone new in, I would be kicking someone old out. It took me what seems like an eternity to realize what was holding me back, but now feel confident  that with the help of my Father in Heaven, my capacity to love will be greatly increased. 

Remember him. Have faith in the future.

Allow Saint George to be another home. Find a group of "misfits" whom I would genuinely love to spend time with. 

Love my roommates. Make them my best friends.

Pray for the Spirit to guide me to those whom I need to meet.

Your turn, Kate.

What do you visualize 2013 to be for you?

Always&Forever.

--Cherish. 

Hollow Apologies & Empty Pages

Dear _________,

I started so many letters to you before I left for college. But no matter how hard I tried, nothing meant what I needed it to.

They all started the same...with a sort of apology, which is a sorry way to start any letter, typed or handwritten. I tried so hard to make it sound acceptable. All the things I was saying, all of the "I'm sorry's" and "You should probably hate me forever's" and "If you never never want to talk again I understand's" just kept making it worse and I couldn't tell you what I meant so I gave up. I left you alone and tried to ignore what a horrible person I am. (This letter is starting off kind of not at all what I had planned, but it'll get better. I promise. I've just had a lot in my heart and I need to tell you now, soon, before I make more regrets.)

And so, I tell you tonight, something that I learned when I was away at college. I thought about how I had hurt you not once, but many times in the exact same way, and how I couldn't even face you, I just let everything fade and hoped you'd understand, and I think about how your mom will never love me again because she knows what I do to you and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I know I have wronged you, and I told myself I didn't deserve you after the first time you let me back in. But you held my face and said, "That's crazy. I don't deserve you." And I wondered how you had ever forgiven me. Then I did it again, but it was a bigger mess, then I left for school and dated other guys and was disappointed to find they aren't like you. I kept telling myself that I had ruined us for the last time. And I needed to leave you alone.

This time though, you came back just to say hello, and I remembered it all like I had never broken your heart. I remembered how it felt to be held by my waist. How you laughed at my jokes. How you ran your fingers through your hair when you were talking. How I loved it when you wore your glasses. How you listened to me like all the words pouring out of my mouth and into your ears were the most important things you ever would hear. How when you held me I was safe. Secure. Something I had not known for a long time. How you admit if you could, you'd have tattoos and drink coffee first thing in the morning. How you stayed up with me until 2:30am because we just wanted to know someone was thinking about us. How you always drove holding my hand. How you looked at me. How you took me back again, and again.

Yet here we are. Pretty far away from those memories. And we've seen each other and made some new ones, some 'friend-ones' since then, and I can't help but kick myself when I catch a glimpse of your green eyes and think, "Katherine, you could've had that. Kept him safe. Loved him the way that only you can." And I'm not asking much, just for you to forgive me. Forgive me for being flighty. Forgive me for being scared. Forgive me for being confused and for confusing you. Forgive me for not being the girl you deserve. Forgive me for stealing you when you weren't mine to steal and then leaving you. I am sorrier than I can begin to describe.

Just know that you are not one of my regrets, I regret the decisions I made that hurt you, and in the end, hurt me too. Maybe someday when I figure out what I want and why I push people away, we can start again. Until then, stay the gentleman I know and love, keep playing the guitar, sing your songs, and live up to the man you want to be. I know our paths will cross again, and trust me, I'll be waiting.

Love Always,

Katherine

Feminism, or the lack thereof.

Your warmth envelops me.

Even when you left last summer,

 my hair was still damp from months before.

A humidity crept its way into every moment of my life.

I felt you in the torn edges of old letters,

saw you in the face of complete strangers.

I felt your laugh as I laid beneath the sky, appreciating the beauty, your old soul,

 taught me to see.

A biting wind traced my heart.

Your empty presence created a distance between any boy,

"I am so sorry."

These ears, these fingertips, this touch, this laugh,

every kiss,

belongs

to him.

Eventually, the wind soothed the rough edges,

a bitter hurt eroded into growth.

And suddenly, you were there.

Here.

You came back. You said you would.

And I,

I did what any respectable TaylorSwiftZooeyDeschanelEmmaWatsonFeminist would look down upon;

because as desperately as i tried,

you weren't just another picture to burn, and let's be a little bit honest here,

we will, most likely,  always, always, always, always,

get back together.

Because, to put it simply darling,

i adore you. and i don't ever want to lose you.

Your wisdom calming, your voice assuring, your touch breathtaking,  blending every day into one.

Your warmth envelops me.

Overcast

Dear Cherish,

And so it begins.


I quite enjoy all of these clouds and the Cathedral of the Madeline and photography and Walgreens and 2am and caramel colored jeans and motorcycles and bad apples and good apples and mint green Porches (yes mint green darling) and loads of lint on my black pants and pretending that it's completely normal to spend $45.00 on lunch (On lunch! for crying out loud I'm in college!) and I do these things and I have these people in my life that just

shine.



You know, like stars.

And while they're shining, I'm shining too and eating it all up.

Sometimes though I feel distant. Almost disconnected, like college really hasn't happened and I'm not really here and these people I'm so lucky to know are made up (they're just that great) but no matter how far away it seems, my heart is really just skipping. Skipping along, skipping beats, skipping out on that pain it has been feeling for so long.

I'm going to have 19 years of life under my belt come October and you know what?

I think I've done pretty okay.


Always & Forever,


Kate

Home

Dear Cherish,

(Listen to this song while you read this post.)

I came home this weekend. Home to a happy little girl who calls me "Mommy Katz." Home to a queen sized bed. Home to a loud family and good food. Home to my best friend. Home to a letter. Home to laundry Saturdays and lazy Sundays.

Here, I don't have to impress anyone. No one is waiting for my next outfit, waiting for my next profound statement, no one cares what I do with my hair, or how much make up I have on. And it feels good.

I'm rejuvenating. Beginning to be refreshed. Life can afford to wait a moment. There really is no place like home.

Always & Forever,

Kate

Pin Curl n. A usually damp, coiled strand of hair secured with a bobby pin or clip and combed into a wave or curl when dry.

Dearest Kate,

“I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles.” -Audrey Hepburn

Is there anything better than being an eighteen year old girl?

Always&Forever--

Cherish.